Okay, at this point we don’t get to enjoy ANYTHING from our childhoods. Even “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” is evil. Don’t believe me?
Check out Cinema Blend’s list of Seven Disturbing Truths We Must Accept About ‘Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer’.
Are you ready to be depressed for the rest of the Christmas season? Here we go:
- Santa Thought Rudolph Was an Abomination. Yes Santa, that jolly old elf, was as disgusted by Rudolph’s shiny nose like everyone else. He even told Rudolph’s dad he should be ASHAMED.
- Hermey the Elf Was a Sadistic Psychopath. His wish of becoming a dentist bordered on obsession, and even though the Abominable Snowman was up to no good, yanking out every last one of his teeth with glee was just plain creepy.
- The Elves May Have Been Inbreeding. With a few exceptions, all of the elves look the same. And the isolated location severely limits the dating pool.
- The Job Rate of Reindeer in the North Pole Is Astronomically Low. All the reindeer at the North Pole start training at an early age to one day pull Santa’s sleigh. And how many job opportunities are there? Eight.
Nine counting Rudolph, but he only got in out of necessity, so when he retires, is his position even going to be re-filled?
- Yukon Cornelius Was Mentally Unstable. This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
- Rudolph’s Family Missed the Bulk of His Childhood. Not to mention the fact that Rudolph’s father was kind of an A-hole to him before he ran away.
- Clarice and Rudolph Had an Incredibly Shallow Relationship. Basically, she told him he was cute once when they were little kids. Years later, he returns to rescue her, and now they’re, like, a thing?
As Cinema Blend puts it . . . quote, “Rushing a relationship based on spur of the moment decisions can end disastrously. Just ask Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande.
One point that Cinema Blend neglects to mention is that, while the theme of “Rudolph” is supposed to be accepting people for who they are . . . The real theme seems to be that the only way for a misfit to gain acceptance is to have something to offer.
(Here are some people on Twitter dropping some “Rudolph” truth bombs.)